By Mel Gilcrest
DON’T PANIC. It’s good advice in almost any situation (if difficult to follow), and it’s the best advice I’ve got when it comes to Gender Stuff. Maybe you’re coming to terms with your identity for the first time, or preparing for a confrontation with your transphobic family. Perhaps you’re about to tell your professors about your case of The Genders. Whatever it is, take a deep breath. You’ve got this.
My second best advice? PANIC A LITTLE BIT. Maybe you don’t got this. That’s okay! Those feelings of panic, confusion, anxiety, existential crisis, and/or mortal terror? It’s all part of your journey into the strange and beautiful world of gender diversity. So give yourself permission to freak out, and then take a deep breath.
My third best advice is to READ THIS GUIDE. It covers all the bases I could think of when it comes to navigating new pronouns (whether your own, or someone else’s.) And then Ggoogle some stuff, find some more resources, and do some more research. There’s a whole world out there, and chances are, someone else has gone through exactly what you’re going through right now.
If you’re interested in changing your own pronouns but not sure where to start, head on down to CHANGING YOUR OWN PRONOUNS.
For practice samples of the 20 most common pronouns (as determined by me, an unlicensed gender scientist) check out PRONOUN PRACTICE.
Finally, a list of DEFINITIONS and RESOURCES can be found at the end of the article.
SECTION 1: CHANGING YOUR OWN PRONOUNS
So you might want to change your pronouns. Congratulations! This is probably an exciting time for you. But this time can also be very challenging and scary, especially if you don’t have the community support or resources to help guide you. This article will attempt to provide some of the latter, and attempt to nudge you towards some of the former.
COMING OUT TO YOURSELF
“How do I know I’m really trans?” For better or for worse, you are the expert on your own gender. Nobody else is better equipped to tell if you’re trans than YOU. But if you’re confused or unsure about your gender, it might help to know that those are VERY common feelings for folks starting out on their gender exploration. Nobody comes out of the womb waving a trans flag and joining the pride parade (unfortunately). Every trans, gender non-conforming and gender-questioning person goes through a period of formative uncertainty.
A good (and imperfect) rule of thumb: if you’re questioning whether or not you’re trans, there’s a good chance you are. If you’re wondering whether you’d like to change your pronouns, that might be a sign you should try changing your pronouns. If you spend a lot of time thinking about your gender…there’s probably a reason for it. Even if you don’t have all the answers yet, the fact that you’re asking the question is, itself, a kind of answer.
Other things to remember:
-Using new pronouns doesn’t “automatically” make you trans.
-Being trans doesn’t “automatically” mean you’ll want to use new pronouns.
-Wanting to try new pronouns is enough of a reason to try new pronouns.
-It’s okay to take your time.
-”Gender,” as a concept, is as wide, beautiful, and largely unexplored as a galaxy. There is room for you in it, wherever you are.
Coming out to yourself – baby steps
-Realize you might be trans, nonbinary, or gender-non-conforming (GNC)
-Do your research – find different pronouns that might fit
-Try out some new pronouns
-Practice writing them in a sentence
-Try talking about yourself in the third person
-Use an anonymous tumblr/blog/etc showing your new pronouns
COMING OUT TO FRIENDS
Maybe you’ve tried out some new pronouns online. Or maybe you’ve said them to yourself but haven’t told a living soul. Maybe you’ve only told one person, and you’re almost ready to tell more. Wherever you are, trust that the people who genuinely love and care for you will make every effort to support you during this period.
Coming out to friends
-Tell one person you trust
-Tell a small group of people
-Ask your friends to tell mutual friends
-Write a letter over text, email, or even on paper
Sample letter: “Hey [friend], I’ve been thinking a lot about my gender identity lately. I think I’d like to try using [she/her] pronouns. I haven’t told many people yet, but I’d like you to use [she/her] pronouns for me [in the groupchat] and [with other people I trust]. I’m not ready to tell [family members] yet, but I’ll let you know if that changes. Let me know if you have any questions. Thank you for your support.”
COMING OUT TO FAMILY MEMBERS
This one was the scariest for me! I was lucky enough to have family members who were broadly supportive of trans issues, but I was still absolutely petrified to ask my parents to use “they/them” for me. As with every other item on this list, remember: your comfort, safety, and intuition are the most important factors as you transition into new pronouns. You are under no obligation to disclose to anyone you don’t feel is safe or supportive.
Coming out to family members
-Tell one family member you trust
-Tell your immediate family
-Ask your supportive family members to tell other family members
-Write letters – do it over text/email
-Connect them to resources that explain pronouns and trans/GNC identities
-Connect them to resources for parents/family members of trans/GNC people
Sample letter: “Hi [Dad]. I’ve been thinking a lot about my identity recently. As I’ve grown to understand myself better, I’ve come to realize that my gender identity is more complex than I thought. I wanted to let you know that I’m starting to identify as [nonbinary], and as part of that, I’d appreciate if you could use [they/them] pronouns for me. If you’d like, I can send you some resources that might help answer any questions you might have. Thank you for your support.”
COMING OUT TO YOUR SCHOOL
Talking to our professors about pronouns and gender identity can range from uncomfortable to impossible, depending on the situation and context. As such, I can only speak for my own experiences at Scripps in changing my pronouns in my classes.
Changing pronouns on the Scripps portal
- Log in to your Scripps portal account
- Go to “Student”
- Go to “Name Pronoun” in the sidebar
- Select the appropriate pronoun
- Once submitted, your pronoun will appear on your class list and be visible to faculty members
Note: the list of pronouns provided is not comprehensive, unfortunately. If your pronouns are not listed and therefore not available, I would recommend contacting Dean Chris Dennis to help with contacting the IT department about the issue.
Contacting professors
Here, I’ll refer to Harvey Mudd’s excellent resource guide for trans students (which can be found in the Resources section below) : “Sending your professor an email can be a good way to let them know that you prefer to be called a different name and use different pronouns.”
Ohio University’s LGBT center provides this sample letter for emailing professors:
“Professor ___________,
I am a student in your (insert class name here). I am getting in contact with you to let you know that I identify as (insert identity here). My name will probably show up on your roster as (insert legal name here), but I would prefer to go by (insert chosen name here) and (masculine/feminine/neutral) pronouns. I will be putting (insert chosen name here) on my assignments and would appreciate it if you called me that in class. If you have any questions for me regarding this, please don’t hesitate to contact me. My email address is (insert email address here) and my phone number is (insert phone number here).
Thank you very much for your understanding,
(sign with chosen name)”
-If you would prefer not to contact professors directly, there are other resources available. Your primary contact dean, the Queer Resource Center, and SCORE can all provide assistance in confirming your gender identity and pronouns with the school. Their contact information will be provided in the “Resources” section below.
FINDING COMMUNITY
The LGBT+ community at the 5Cs often seems to be a somewhat scattered entity. However, there are support networks available for those needing help and community resources during their transition.
(A warning: spaces that are specific to “queer/trans” students have often failed to provide adequate support for QTPOC students, as white LGBT+ students tend to dominate these spaces and “LGBT+” spaces in general frequently center white folks in the community to the detriment of others. As a white trans/queer person, I can’t speak for spaces I don’t inhabit, but I’ve heard from multiple corners that POC-specific groups at Scripps such as Cafe Con Leche and Watu Weusi are supportive spaces for QTPOCs).
Sources of trans/GNC community support include:
Administrative spaces (The Queer Resource Center, SCORE)
Meeting groups (The Alliance, Family, PRISM, Rainbow People)
Intersectional/POC groups (Cafe Con Leche, Watu Weusi)
Mentoring groups (The Queer, Questioning, and Allied Mentor Program)
Online support groups (Claremont Safe Space)
Crisis Hotlines (Trans LifeLine)
RESOURCES
Scarleteen has an excellent series of articles called “Trans Summer School” that can answer many common questions and worries for transitioning/questioning folks!
http://www.scarleteen.com/tags/transgender
Harvey Mudd has a wonderful resource page for trans students that provides information about the process of transitioning at the 5Cs! Unfortunately, some items are not generally applicable to other 5C schools — I’m currently working with Dean Chris Dennis to provide a similar resource for Scripps students, but Mudd’s guide is a good place to start.
https://www.hmc.edu/diversity/resources-for-transgender-students/
Claremont Safe Space is a 5C facebook group that can be accessed by contacting Elliot Joyce at ejoyce@students.pitzer.edu
The Alliance is a trans-specific 5C group with semi-weekly meetings. For more information, contact Bryn Lewin-Ofell at blewino@students.pitzer.edu
The QRC is the Queer Resource Center at the Claremont Colleges. They’re under new leadership after a period of serious upheaval, so I don’t have the information I need to determine their current effectiveness as of yet, but they have the stated purpose of serving the LGBT+ community at the 5Cs.
http://colleges.claremont.edu/qrc/
The Queer, Questioning and Allied Mentor Program (QQAMP) consists of queer and trans 5C students and mentors, who can provide support and informed guidance on queer-related issues.
http://colleges.claremont.edu/qrc/get-involved/qqamp/
Dean Chris Dennis has been incredibly helpful in my own process of transitioning, and I can personally vouch for his ability to advocate for queer, trans and POC students.
Dean Julie Loppacher has been cited as an incredibly helpful resource for those struggling with LGBT+ and disability-related issues.
Dean Leslie Schnyder has also been an empathetic and helpful resource during my transition.
Jenn Wells is the Assistant Dean and Director of SCORE, and can be an especially helpful advocate for trans students at the intersections of other marginalities.
