@Claremont

The Cutting Rebellion: A Satire

It was the normal dinner rush at the Hoch-Shanahan Commons. As per usual, all the tables were filled up, students were piling in for some dining-hall quality slightly-unfresh-but-still-satisfactory sushi, and it was business as usual. The pasta bar line was winding through the Hoch as students waited impatiently to inhale all the carbs they could handle.

However, something wasn’t right. Someone was…walking up to the front of the line? Talking to someone, laughing? Then…getting in line?
This doesn’t seem right…some people have been waiting for half an hour for some tomato-y Italian goodness, how could someone just walk up there and cut in front of basically everyone in the Hoch?

“You can’t just cut in line!” A lone voice shouts from the back of the line. The dining hall comes to a standstill. Students immediately cease their gossiping. The dining hall staff stop scooping food. Everything comes to a standstill as all eyes settle on the confrontation in the Hoch.

“Actually, I have tendonitis.” And with that, the student returned to their spot near the front of the line. Silence blanketed the hall. Jaws of students dropped. Line-cutter student whipped around and shot a glare the shouter.

A shouting match ensued, with the two opposing foes screaming about tendonitis, rules of the Hoch and whether or not aliens would deem this a socially acceptable custom (more on that later). Students on both sides of the debate began slowly joining in on the fight, reaching for food from the trays as artillery.

It only took several hundred pieces of meatballs and California rolls flung across the Commons for Campus Security to be called. Students were dragged kicking and screaming from the hall, scuffles were breaking out onto Platt Boulevard, and fistfights were taking place in the Rose Garden. The Consortium was coming to pieces, over whether or not it was ethically sound for someone to cut in line if their friend was in line already.

The Presidents of the Colleges convene. Harvey Mudd stands its ground, no cutting in line even if your friend is in line. CMC, in true CMC fashion, withdraws from the entire consortium just to build its own dining hall with its own rules on line-cutting (Dining-hall-exit? Dexit?). Scripps and Pitzer are just trying to get by, praying that they can attract more prospective students with an extravagant dining hall run by a slightly-amoral French corporation. Pomona raised its hand and suggested letting students cut in line if they have a higher SAT score, because after all, Ivy of the West.

The great philosophical question continued to be debated in the only way a bunch of college students know how: through memes. Students were taking sides once again, but this time in the comment section. Who has time to study for midterms or write essays when the real question is whether you can cut in line?

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