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The Sun Will Never Set on Scripps College

This Piece is Satirical

By Rena Patel ‘19

Amidst the housing chaos of the Claremont Colleges lies a novel scheme, so genius that no one would have ever even considered it. While from the outside it may seem as if Scripps Admissions and Residential Life Staff have made countless mistakes, each decision has been executed after months of careful placement and planning. The empire is growing and President Lara Tiedens and her staff have been hard at work on their imperialist expansion to lay claim to the entirety of the 7Cs.

Scripps College has been gaining momentum in the academic sphere and with greater influence comes a need for larger territory. Rather than finding a solution to their growing population internally, Scripps has set its eyes on the rest of the Claremont Colleges, traveling from college to college claiming new territory each year.

In the fall of 2015, as the class of 2019 was welcomed into Scripps’ homey halls, a floor at the newly opened Drinkward dorm at Harvey Mudd College was allocated to Scripps in efforts to contain the growing population while New Hall was being built. The next year, New Hall supported Scripps’ growing population. What Harvey Mudd and the rest of the Claremont Colleges did not know however, is that Scripps had gotten a taste of what expansion could look like and was now hungry for more.

With Harvey Mudd in their hands, the move to overtake Claremont Graduate University housing this year successfully established Scripps College as a growing territorial power. There has been no word as to whether Scripps plans to relinquish CGU housing yet and insider info from the President’s staff has said that there are plans to infiltrate Pitzer and Claremont McKenna College within the next five years.

Each new territorial expansion will no doubt come with its own problems, but Scripps is ready to tackle them head on.

“Pomona College will prove to be most difficult,” a representative of the President’s staff told the Voice. “The campus is far. But we can tell that their influence is weakening. Pomona College is no longer the powerhouse that it once was. They lost their position as U.S. News’ number one college and they have been struggling ever since.”  

The representative believes that once Pitzer and CMC are properly under Scripps rule, they will be able to launch their attacks onto the Pomona campus.

An anonymous source from the administration leaked that Scripps plans to launch a surprise attack on Pomona, sending hundreds of Scrippsies in the dead of night to seize each dorm. “We are not afraid to use force,” the source revealed.

When asked about potentially stretching their hold on the Claremont Colleges to Keck Graduate Institute or Claremont School of Theology, the representative said, “Nothing is too daunting of a task for us. While KGI and the Claremont School of Theology may be blocks away, we have the resources to expand as necessary. It’s not an unrealistic goal at all.”

President Lara Tiedens has begun a new era of Scripps, an era of prosperity and opportunity. Our reach will span across the entirety of the Claremont Colleges until we are Scripps College united. Incipit Vita Nova. Yes, we shall bring the beginning of new life to the other colleges and when we do, the sun will never set on Scripps College.

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