Satire: The Return of Questions You Didn’t Ask

Aviva V. Maxon ’24 and Belen Yudess ’25
Staff Writer and Copy Editor Intern

Dearest readers, we have once again returned to answer the most pressing questions you did not ask us. We are just as scared, concerned, and fraught as you are about the upcoming course registration so we thought we would continue to share our old wisdom. We got through it, and so will you.

Q: How do I PERM?
First, you log into the portal. Now that you have jumped into a portal, you will find you are in another land, complete with fairies, sparkles, and rainbows (very different from Scripps). Next, you find the hobbit hole that the professor lives in and prostrate yourself. Beg for mercy and begin to loudly sniffle. You’re past the point of shame. Finally, hope that the smiling gods find favor with you.

But more seriously, click the PERM button and tell the professor why you want to take the class. Is it for your major? Do you really care about the topic? Is your current class crush taking this class? If you want to be extra special, email the professor to make your case and show your interest in the class. It will work out, and you will get into the courses you need. If nothing else works, show up to the first day of class next semester and see what happens. Professors are just like us — they want to feel needed.

Q: What should I do postgrad?
Go live in the other fairy dreamland where you can PERM for classes. Or adopt a manatee.

Q: Why is course registration so stressful?
Just for funsies. And also because the portal is 100 years old. It feeds its soul on the distress of college students who can’t get into an intro class. Class sizes are small, which is great when you are in the class, but it makes getting into the class harder. You are also probably more stressed about this than you should be. Take a breath and go for a walk. It will all work out.

Q: How do I choose my classes for next semester?
The important thing to remember here is that you should solely be taking classes based on the schedule of that random CMC student you have a vendetta against. Whether they took the last spoonful of scallion cream cheese at Pitzer breakfast or the final swirl of strawberry Dole Whip — they must now PAY. Befriend their roommate’s best bro (just look for that one guy in a CMS shirt, Nike shorts, and backwards baseball cap — you know the one!) and casually prod them about their roommate’s major and planned course load. You’re just quirky like that. Once you chart every semester of econ dude with a minor in FGSS’ schedule, it’s GO TIME. Who cares about getting into that ceramics course you need to graduate? You can do that later. It’s not like those 100 PERMs will be there next semester.

Instead, use that 8:30 a.m. registration time to take him DOWN. Take those final spots in every econ class and be the one who fills the last seat in Women in the Bible that no one sees unless they refresh the portal. You have to keep them on their toes! Remember, it’s all about supply and demand: he supplied you with motive, and now you are demanding he pay his dues.

If the only mortal enemy you have this registration season is your indecisiveness, well, we have the solution for you! Registration roulette (ages 17 and up) is a fun, easy-to-play game that gives anti-On-Wednesday-We-Wear-Green goers a chance to spin the coveted wheel. First, you steal borrow the “On Wednesday We Wear Green” wheel and label each spot with a different discipline. Once you have four upper-division psychology courses, three classes that have “queer” in the title, and not a single GE, you give it a whirl and allow fate to be your new academic advisor. Don’t make decisions — be decisions.

Q: This is my last time registering for classes at Scripps!
Aviva here. Not a question, babes. And same! It is really scary and overwhelming to know that the end of college is so close. We have spent three (kinda) years here, and now we can see the end. Remember the first time we registered for classes? Sitting in our parents’ homes (or at your office job if you’re me), having a panic attack that your dad witnesses, and then getting on psych meds. Class registration is important, but it is not the end. After you register for classes you have to take those classes. College might be coming to an end, but there is so much more out there and so much more for us to look forward to.

As for first years who are still new to registration, the same advice still applies (Belén here now)! Be patient with yourselves and know that it is going to be ok. You will get into the classes and find the path that is right for you, even if it sometimes doesn’t seem like that at first. Remember that you have so many people who are here to answer questions, recommend Professor Novy to you profusely, or be a source of support as you frantically fight the impulse to not press the back button on the portal. Aviva and I believe in you!

Juniors and sophomores, we could never forget about you! For those of you going abroad, you will be missed next semester, but have a magical time exploring new places and making memories that will last a lifetime. For those of you who remain, think about how much easier course registration will be without a good chunk of our class here! It truly is a win-win.

Thank you, dear readers, for listening to us. We are not responsible for the outcomes of any of this. Much love.

Image Source: Isabel Suh ’24