Amelie Lee ’23
Copy Editor Intern
The year is 2021. Joe Biden sits in his retirement mansion in frustration, sadly sifting through printed photographs of the day he was first elected into public office. Despite having a heartwarming 79th birthday with his children and grandchildren, Biden often finds himself upset thinking about his political failures.
It’s been a tough year for the former presidential candidate. Not only has he had to deal with the loss of last year’s presidential election, for the first time in his life, he has been largely confused with the world of recent politics. Biden spends most of his time trying to analyze exactly why he lost in 2020, despite being a very successful politician earlier in his career.
“I don’t quite understand it,” Biden said. “Everyone used to be on my side, and all of a sudden, the Democrats turned on me. It doesn’t make sense, I’ve stayed consistent this whole time. Surely if I was on the right side of history as a young politician, there’s no need to update my stances and positions as time goes by. It’s not like there has been massive political upturn in the last few years.”
In his spare time, Biden often looks back on the election with nostalgia and regret. Once a leading contender, the now-retired politician spends most of his time creating scrapbooks in remembrance of the Obama Administration and rewatching VHS tapes of his political career. When not reminiscing, Biden analyzes his loss in 2020. While the 2008 tapes present him with fond memories, he confusedly reviews the recent election with more determination.
“I just don’t understand why I lost, Biden said. “I was just as radical as Bernie or Elizabeth. Unlike Trump, I supported young people. Remember when I supported public housing in 1969? I also was interested in civil rights in the seventies. If there’s anyone who supports young people, it’s me.”
During a recent visit to Biden’s home, Biden viewed a tape with his adult grandchildren.
“I could’ve rejuvenated our country if I became president,” Biden said as the camera scanned through an uproarious crowd of white, middle-class baby-boomer Democrats. “There wasn’t a single demographic that didn’t love me!”
“I was a fantastic politician when I was first elected, so good with both Democrats and Republicans,” Biden explained to his grandchildren. “Trump was an aberration in American politics—there was never anything wrong with me or the Republican party back when I worked on bi-partisan bills dealing with drugs and crime.”
At press time, Biden was asked about what he thought about LGBTQ justice, to which he began to look nervously around.
“Didn’t we fix all that in 2015?” Biden said confusedly. “The Supreme Court figured that out while Obama and I were in office right?”
Image Credit: Politico
