By Luena Maillard
First off, I want you to know that this isn’t an uncommon thought. The idea of sex might sound fun, but actually being in that situation can create a range of emotions depending on your environment, the person it’s with, or even the headspace you’re in that day. The most important thing you can do for yourself, is to listen to your needs IN THAT MOMENT and stay true to how you’re feeling—do not move forward with sex if you’re feeling uneasy, uncomfortable, uncertain, unsafe, or even uninterested—and anybody you are with in that moment HAS TO respect your emotions and subsequent decisions. There’s also nothing wrong with feeling these emotions—most often, feelings such as these are trying to tell you something about either the situation, or yourself, and being able to introspect or talk to someone about them is the key to understanding what they are stemming from. I would also like to gently introduce the idea ( if you haven’t already thought of this) of asexuality. I want to be clear that I am in no way labeling you as asexual or saying that this is the answer to your question (because it might not be)—I just wanted to put it out there so YOU can explore this idea further. If you are interested in learning more, Scripps FAMILY or the QRC(queer resource center) of the 5cs are wonderful organizations full of wonderful people who are open and willing to chat privately or publicly about asexuality. If that is too intimidating—The QRC also has over a thousand LGBTQIA-related books to do research from, and there’s always the good old internet ( I suggest the Asexual Visibility and Education Network www.asexuality.org).
Well the first thing to do if you haven’t already is to establish a safe word. Now, since choking can make verbal communication a bit tricky, I would suggest also agreeing on a physical gesture to use as a safe word, like holding up fist or tapping their arm three times. You can also play around with the idea of a “yellow light” signal, which would mean go easier/less pressure/slow down etc. Another thing you could do is have your partner put their hand around your wrist as you grasp their neck, and agree that if they squeeze or remove it etc, you stop. Now, if you’re new to choking, the general rule of thumb is to put pressure on the SIDES of the neck, not the middle. So that if you are using one hand, your fingers will be applying pressure, but your palm shouldn’t be pressing straight down or applying basically any pressure. If you put too much pressure on the MIDDLE of the throat chances are your partner is going to start coughing, and if you continue to put pressure after that you can actually do some damage cause throats are really fragile. I hope creating a safe word/movement will calm your nerves a bit, as well as really understanding how you’re supposed to choke—and I’ll say it again—lightly squeeze the SIDES, don’t press DOWN.