Belén Yudess ’25 and Ella Young ’24
Copy Editor Intern and Staff Writer
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Add an extra spring to your step this spring by investing in a pair of Twinkle Toes! Imagine how cool and hip you’ll look running from Mudd to Mason for your Monday 8 a.m. in your ridonkulous light-up sneakers (with velcro of course). Even if you show up 20 minutes late with a dead laptop, your professor won’t even notice that you also spilled your Matcha Cha Cha on their computer stumbling through the door; no, they’ll be too consumed with your groovy kicks! Twinkle Toes: who said walking couldn’t be whimsical!
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Taurus, you deserve a break. Coming back from spring break is always hard, and it can be tough to immediately jump back into the full swing of things. So, take some time out of your normally busy homework schedule to unwind with a classic game of 2048. You don’t need to be a math whiz to fall into an hour-long spell of the meditative numbers game; it’s the perfect way to waste time that’s not doom-scrolling on Instagram. You can get to 2048, Taurus!
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Gemini, it’s time. You’re a young adult, at a historically women’s college; it’s long overdue for someone like you. You need a husband. Wait no, not like that. A husband pillow. With its supportive back and cushy armrests, a husband will provide the perfect amount of lumbar support and comfort; it’s like a hug and a chair in pillow form. Now, you can comfortably take those pesky Zoom calls from your bed. Take that, rocking dorm room desk chair!
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Cancer – spring is right around the corner, and you know what comes with it? That’s right: allergy season. With the pollen of hundreds of plants in the air, the characteristic sneezes and sniffles of hay fever will abound. But do not fret, Cancer: you can beat this! Stock up on Zyrtec, Allegra, and Claritin (generic of course – save your $$). With your medicine stash, along with your sage wisdom and advice, you’ll become Scripps College’s resident mystical healer.
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)
Have you ever found yourself thinking: is today the day I listen to the entirety of Journey’s discography? The answer, dear Leo, is YES. Time to crank up that speaker, tune that air guitar, and get to rocking! Whether you’re shredding to “Anyway You Want It,” or jamming out to “Wheel in the Sky,” you can’t go wrong with this timeless 80s band. And remember, people would much rather hear “just a small-town girl” go on and on and on again than the fire alarm at 11 p.m.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
Ins and Outs: Virgo edition. In: barking back at mangy squirrels. Out: trail mix without M&Ms. In: cycling class with Dean Gisvold. Out: having more than $50 worth of Flex. In: Cecil the Sagehen stuffies. Out: three midterms that aren’t midterms at that point because the second to last week of school is not the middle of the semester. In: overanalyzing. Out: alarms that aren’t the WII theme song. In: the iconic Pedro Pascal quote, “I’m going to have a panic attack, and I’m going to leave.”
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
Libra, we’re sorry to say it’s a time of mourning. March 22 marks the 11-year anniversary of the day that My Chemical Romance said “so long and goodnight” with the announcement of their break up. Although the group has thankfully since returned, commemorate this historic day in history by darkening your clothes, striking a violent pose, and blasting all four of their albums through those headphones. It’s time to do it now, and do it loud!
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
Scorpio – celebrate Elton John’s birthday in style by taking a page out of his book: wear the most outrageous outfit you own to class. Sparkles, rhinestones, and/or feathers are a must. Bonus points if you top it off with some chunky shoes and rosy oversized glasses. Once you’re satisfied with your outfit, there are plenty of spots on Scripps’ campus to recreate the Goodbye Yellow Brick Road album cover. As experts, however, we recommend one of the Balch courtyards or the Honnold gate.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
It’s time to get serious, Sagittarius. One of the most treacherous days of the year is right around the corner: April Fools’ Day. That’s right, Sagittarius, if you’re not careful, you, too, may fall victim to an outrageous hoax or whoopee cushion at the hands of your friends. But don’t worry! Not all faith is lost. Take a page out of Kevin McAllister’s book and make a Home Alone-style battle plan. Of course, you can solely employ defensive strategies (trust no one), but for extra protection, we recommend the offensive. Prank them before they can prank you! Who’s the fool now?
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
Remember when Siri made her debut as a beatboxer with her acclaimed hit single “boots and cats and cats and boots?” Well Capricorn, now it’s your time to shine under the beatbox limelight. Tap into the depths of your creativity and don’t be afraid to try out some wild combinations. Here are some examples if you’re getting a little stumped: moose and rats and rats and moose and fruits and goose and goose and fruits.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
Have you felt caught in the future lately Aquarius? A little too entrenched in worries about where you’ll be in a year and what you’ll be doing? If so, have you ever considered a career as the Duolingo owl trainer? Spend your days hanging out with everyone’s favorite green feathery friend (or foe depending on your ability to remember the German word for fork). Not only is this a rare opportunity, but you’ll also be highly encouraged (forced) into becoming multilingual!
Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)
Pisces, it’s time for you to start fostering relationships that will usher you into the next stage of your life. Relationships that will keep you grounded and stable; a little like a rock. Arise with the sun tomorrow morning and begin your search for a pet rock to form a completely healthy and reasonable attachment with. If Sesame Street has taught us anything in recent years, it’s that there is nothing like the friendship between a pal and their rock. Or if all else fails, make the rock your arch-rival. #Elmo+Roccofrenemiesforever
