Elita Kutateli ’26 and Belén Yudess ’25
Head Design Editor and Copy Editor
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
Thesis stressing you out right now dear Sagittarius?! Well, do not fret because when you think about it, thesis can be split into “the sis,” which sounds like The Sister Act which stars Whoopi Goldberg who was also in The Lion King — and like Timba and Pumba said, “Hakuna Matata,” which means no worries! So don’t worry about your thesis and use that problem-free philosophy to get you through this next month!
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan.19)
Capricorn, the long-awaited day for all closeted and out theater kids is upon us: the release of Moana 2 and Wicked! To celebrate this momentous occasion it’s time for you to order a cake plastered with the face of a man who has defied gravity and soared to unexpected heights away in the theatre world skies: Lin Manuel Miranda! He probably has a cameo in Wicked anyway!
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
Lovely Aquarius, as you head into the holiday season, it’s key to remember one thing above all else: how to keep the spirit of Flexsgiving alive! Do you have $100 of Flex left to blow at the *OPENED* Motley? Well, pay it forward and pay for a stressed-out first year’s peppermint mocha!
Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)
Pisces rhymes with mices, and mices want cookies so you should get a cookie too! So next time you’re feeling blue, chomp chomp on a Hoch pumpkin cookie to bring a smile that’s warm and true!
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Aries, have you been feeling the urge to rage lately? Whether out of joy, nerves, or feeling gurrr or blah, you should stand on a table in the middle of Seal Court and start a communal raging session to the chatter of Wednesday Tea! ROARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. HISSSSSSSSSSSSS. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Oh Taurus, the winter blues might be calling too close to home. Be sure to turn your frown upside down amidst the holiday cheer! If you see children ice skating or a nice family having dinner together, do not hit or yell at them! They will not like that. Seasons change and everything is temporary. Nothing is that deep or personal. Wise up. Grow up.
Gemini (May 21- June 20)
BE AWARE! Your craving for a pomegranate may be exceptionally high this month… I mean, you really want those beautiful, shiny, ruby-red, and juicy seeds. They pop in your mouth and are not too sweet, not too sour — perfectly tart. Do not wear white clothing this month. You never know when the opportunity to eat a pomegranate will arise, and when it does… you may succumb to your primitive nature.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Cancer, please take a hot yoga class this month. In fact, it is not a want, it is a need! The stars are saying all Cancers must take at least one yoga class this month, or else! Your body needs to be in an exceptionally hot and humid room with about twenty other people sweating at the same time. You will feel super zen and super wet. Please sweat it out instead of crying it out — it will be a nice change of pace.
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)
Leos, do not let the cold and gray skies tarnish your creativity this winter. Do not succumb to the early sunsets and evade the darkness. Be sure to journal every day, watch movies, listen to albums, and indulge in the fruitful nature of the arts. Write, sketch, film, photograph, sew — keep your mind and your hands busy while your heart rests.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
Routine is simple, stable, consistent, and incredibly important. Why? Well, Virgo, you need to have a sense of control in all aspects of your life, or at least think you have control — it helps you sleep at night. This month, challenge yourself by grabbing a different breakfast, maybe even at a different time and place! Super crazy. Park your car on a different street and stay up past your bedtime! Live a little Virgo!
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct.22)
BRB… more like RBB; why be right back when you can read books backward? Do you frequently zone out in the middle of your 300-page reading by an old, white man complaining about odd-shaped buildings (it’s totally about his not-so-secret gay desire)? Do you ever find yourself rereading the same sentence 50+ times? Well, start reading from right to left, or flip the book upside and all will be made clear!
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
Scorpio, have you been feeling unusually repressed and emotionally stiff lately? Have you been zoning out during dinner, leaving your friends concerned after they repeat the same question over and over again, just to be met with your dead, soulless, and almost sociopathic eyes? If the answer is anything but a hard no — please take yourself to the movie theater and cry or jerk off (or both) to Gladiator II.
