Clara Ann Bagnoli ’28
Design editor
To whom it may concern (and I know you are concerned),
We are emailing to inform you that we have denied your application to receive housing accommodations this academic year. I hear that you are feeling sad, down in the dumps, and maybe a little blue 🙁
You say that you have this thing called chronic depression?! That sounds horrible, and as an empath I too feel horrible. You say that you cannot have a roommate because having someone watch you cry makes it worse and puts you in an uncomfortable position?
Have you not seen the classic film on female friendship, Midsommar? Crying with your gal pals is cool, a bonding experience even. It is certainly nothing to be embarrassed about. Crying alone, however, is pathetic and something only losers do. But don’t you worry! Even though you can’t understand it now, in the long run I’m helping you get out of this potential loser situation.
Now, some of your peers are claiming “anxiety.” That’s the feeling that I get when I am watching the season finale of White Lotus, not a silly condition. You say you get these… what did you call them? Panic attacks, yes. And you need a private space on campus to regulate yourself during these events. We hear you! And we have resources to support you in these tough times! This is exactly why we installed a singular gender-neutral bathroom in each dorm hall (don’t mind the smell!).
No, we have decided that the real cure to your issue here is exercise and fresh air. That is why we are placing you in the absolute oasis we call the Claremont Collegiate Apartments (CCA)! It’s the perfect distance of one mile away from campus, the other dorms, and the dining halls. Just past Harvey Mudd’s campus, across a busy intersection (yes, the walk signal will take 10 minutes every single time!) and across the street from Rev’d up Coffee where the motorcyclists can fill your ears with the lyrical sounds of their revving engines.
On this mile-long hot girl walk from your class to your dorm you can finally get your steps in. As we like to tell the worried and sad students like you, exercise is so important for your mental health! Just moving your lazy legs the 2,000 steps will drastically benefit your day. Endorphins will be released, and dopamine will rush through your brain. You will be so surprised by the feeling of accomplishment you get from doing physical activity.
We hope you relish in the chance to breathe something other than stale Honnold-Mudd air. This chance to walk outside, rain or shine, is not afforded to your peers in on-campus dorm options because they have hallways (boo hallways). At CCA, your room is its own little island that exists in a motel-like strip of other islands surrounded by (clinically proven!) soothing elements of concrete.
If walking is not really your thing, we instead offer you to take advantage of the stylish CCA shuttle (honk honk), which opens up the fabulous opportunity to bond with the other people on the shuttle.
Perhaps you could even bond over your experience with me (all good things, I’m sure!). This will also give you the chance to practice fixing that pesky social anxiety you were telling me about. Here are a few good conversation starters: “Hello!”, “What is your name?”, “What school do you go to?”, “Do you come here often?”
Another thing you can try is majoring in psychology. This one I recommend: psych is Scripps’ top major in fact! It seems to me that there is a (suspiciously) strong correlation between students interested in professional careers in psychology and students who are interested in housing accommodations due to “psychological issues.”
This correlation will perhaps highlight how easy you have it as a college student in southern California. Maybe your assigned readings for homework will finally show you that some people have real struggles and face real trauma. For example, at least you’re not a monkey who is faced with three robot fake mothers who refuse to love you.
To be honest, the real reason we did not approve your accommodation was because reading your file overwhelmed me as an empath. Please keep your trauma dumping to yourself next time.
XOXO
With love and gratitude,
Scripps Academic Resources and dis-Services
(she/her/hers)
