How to Stop Being Texan in ONE Easy Step (NOT CLICKBAIT) (100% TRUE)


Carah Allen ’26

BREAKING NEWS: Dallas native Carah Allen is DISOWNED from family upon finding indisputable evidence of their daughter eating AND ENJOYING California-founded burger joint In-N-Out. Here’s the (unnecessarily long-winded) testimony from the former Texan herself:

“There is no reason for me to deny the allegations. The pictures are there for everyone to see. I, a Southern woman, have disgraced my family, my culture, and my state by not only eating In-N-Out once but enjoying it enough to eat it again and again.

My fellow Texans, I’m sorry that I have failed you. I tried my best to be a hater against these Californians, but god forbid I have folded. Trust me when I say I have spent the last two years with a steadfast hold on my Texan roots, but as more time passes by, the strings connecting me to my statehood have been snipped by the Fates,” the teen proclaimed dramatically, one hand against her heart and the other wiping stray tears from her face.

If anyone knows Scripps College sophomore Carah Allen, they will know that being from Texas is (annoyingly) the most interesting part of the student’s personality. There hasn’t been a day that’s gone by where her home state has not been brought up in conversation. The events that recently transpired come as a surprise to everyone around her.

Her roommate, Lu Nimmo ’26, misty-eyed and in utter disbelief, states, “I was in complete shock. My fellow Southerner,” she dramatically pauses to pull out a handkerchief and wipe her eyes from the stray tears that have fallen, “betrayed me. Betrayed her family. Betrayed her home,” she whispers the last part before yelling, “She is a FRAUD!”

Nimmo now mentioned the tension in their dorm room, recalling the awkward air as the two roommates watched their favorite show, Bob’s Burgers. “I can’t even enjoy the show anymore because every time I see Bob Belcher cook up a delicious burger, I’m reminded how she let a burger ruin her identity and get in between relationships with the people she said she loved the most,” Nimmo said.

Allen follows up with her confession about how she doesn’t regret her choices, claiming, “Good food is good food, and who is anyone to deny me of that god-given right.”

She goes on to recount her experience at In-N-Out: “It was around 11:30 p.m. on a Saturday night when I first went. My friends and I were tired and hungry from attempting to get schoolwork done and playing Among Us. My friend and fellow Texan, Toni, in the dead of silence, asked everyone if we wanted to get food, namely In-N-Out. The two Californians, Matthew and Isa, quickly nodded in agreement, but I was left frozen. I had never had In-N-Out and would never have In-N-Out in support of my Texan roots and connection to the Texas-born burger joint, Whataburger.

But I thought, Toni’s Texan too. If she eats In-N-Out, the consequences can’t be that bad. Oh, how wrong I was. As soon as my mouth touched that food, I knew I was a different person. A better person. Maybe it was the crispness of the fries. Maybe it was the comfortable, buzzing midnight air. Maybe it was Maybelline. I don’t know what it was, but I knew I would never be the same again.

Although those delicious animal-style fries and that burger cooked to the heavens changed my life, they simultaneously ruined it. My mom called and told me not to come home. My dad still doesn’t know, but it’s not long before he finds out. To this day, I have to tell my mom it’s not just a phase. This is my lifestyle now — a lifestyle of In-N-Out and true happiness — a lifestyle of a girl who is going to be okay.

Even with the hardships I continue to face because of my decision, I only have one regret and it’s not eating In-N-Out sooner. Those animal-style fries are something you go to war for. From now on, I will have a locket like a soldier in the World War and I’ll open it to see a picture of animal-style fries and remember what I’m fighting for.

Whataburger was my lover for nearly 20 years. As I reach my 20th year around this Earth, I have found a new partner. Like Gabriella in High School Musical, I, too, need to go my own way, but this time, hand in hand with In-N-Out.”

Allen ranted much longer on how the fast food chain remarkably changed her life and soon had to be dragged out of the interview room and charged with first degree of yappage. The current statehood status of the student is still unknown as the Texas government has not made its final decision. However, from the looks of it, the panhandle state will have to grab a marker and subtract one from their state population because In-N-Out has taken hostage their very own citizen.

Image Courtesy of Matthew Jaimes-Morelos PZ’26

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