Clara Ann Bagnoli ‘28
Design editor
So I’m sure you haven’t been reading the news, but there’s this thing going on that is making the CMC finance bros sick with dread. It’s this new thing Trump is doing to piss off the United States’ trading partners called tariffs. If you don’t know what that is, let me explain: tariffs are a tax that the government puts on imported goods from other countries.
But Trump is taking this tax really really far. You know how your mom always says you should take on the day at 100%? Well, Trump understood that as how he should take on China at 125%. Yeah you read that right, there is currently a 145% duty imposed on Chinese imports.
But don’t blame Trump, it’s a classic ‘they started it’ situation. These tariffs were reciprocal, and serve as a good case study on why fighting fire with fire makes fire. Or in this case, gets people fired. Lawrence Summers, a man you wish you didn’t know the name of, has warned of the potential loss of two million jobs because of an imminent recession due to the escalating tariffs. *Trump placed a 90 day pause on these reciprocal tariffs because Master Elon was getting worried about the Tesla stock. And of course, what Elon says, goes.
Trust daddy Donald and let things get really fucking bad before they can maybe, perhaps, get slightly better.
So back to China, they are losing money (whomp whomp). Why is that a problem for you? Because it’s not China paying the tariff, it’s the consumer. The consumer is what you are.
Remember when everyone was freaking out over the eggs. No, not the tofu scramble from Malott, the price of a carton of chicken eggs. Well if Trump’s big promise was to get affordable eggs back on americans breakfast tables, I have no idea how he thought slapping China across the face would help fix the issue, but surprise surprise, the egg prices have just continued to rise.
Now let’s talk manufacturing jobs. The big argument that the GOP is making is that proliferating factory production overseas is tanking job opportunities here in the U.S. What they don’t realize is that people would rather use their humanities degree to be a barista than to get a job doing assembly line work making a Target branded rose toy which will end up being given out at a SAS Be Heard forum.
This idea was echoed to me after a dear friend of mine purchased a Jelly Cat wombat (Wanda, familiarly) at The Grove in the Claremont Village this past week. Not only was the usual abundance of little guys drained but the soft animal friends were also especially commodified.
“The jellycat shortage at The Grove is terrifying,” she said.
And hearing that terrified me, so I did some research into more things that are becoming inaccessible for the average college student.
Jellycats are just one example of the 77% of toys that the U.S. imports from China. Some other toys on the line are: Pop Its from the one dollar section at Target, Nee Doh Cubes, as well as any and all foam stress balls. If you’re getting a little anxious hearing about this, I hope you’re preemptively stocked up on stress fidgets.
Two Buck Chuck from Trader Joes is still safe guys, don’t worry. The company that produces the dirt cheap spiked fruit punch that we delude ourselves is wine is procured by the Bronco Wine Company, in the great state of California.
What is not safe is Fireball whiskey. Despite its deep roots in the culture of the american south, the cinnamon drink is actually created using a whiskey base from our friendly northern neighbors in Canada. Thankfully the EU has been shaking in their cowboy boots and backed down on a tariff to Jack Daniels so we will be able to numb our sorrows through an economically stable Jack & Coke.
Even if you are a resident of Revelle and thought you were safe, your beverages will also be at risk as a threatened 24% tariff on Japanese imports really hurts the matcha prices. But don’t worry, I’m sure all the stuff you’re used to drinking is neither ceremonial grade or authentic.
So to conclude, this was not very funny and I’m sorry for not making you laugh. Usually in times of political chaos we can find solace in the comedic side of things. This is a service I surrender to the professionals.
Illustration Courtesy of Anna Grez ’27
