Aanji Sin, Belen Yudess, and TSV Staff
Episcopalians, one and all
The Scripps Voice mourns the loss of satirist and columnist Nina Howe-Goldstein ’25, who died this Friday in what Campus Safety is calling a potential “three-way battle of wills between a human skull, a CMS football bro on an electric scooter, and the pavement.”
“We are devastated by the loss of our beloved writer,” said TSV Editor-in-Chief Aanji Sin ’24 in a pre-written statement dating back to 1998. “She died as she lived: flipping us the bird and yelling about the various moral failings of our student body.”
You know when a TV show ends a season but the writers clearly don’t know if they’re getting renewed or not? Yeah, that’s pretty much what’s happened here. Nina Howe-Goldstein, bastion of Scripps College culture, has been accepted as a transfer student to such far-flung places as the University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill and is also still waiting on a few other places. She probably ain’t coming back, folks. She is, in effect, deceased.
Howe-Goldstein was born in 2003 in Washington, D.C., an upbringing which she would later characterize as “like Guantanamo, but without the waterboarding.” In 2019, she gained international notoriety by winning the youth category of England’s national hand embroidery competition as an American (true story), attending the award ceremony in a bald eagle-patterned suit, and dumping tea Gatorade-style on the presenter when her name was announced.
At Scripps, she devoted herself to the study of modern American history, embarking on a vast research project on housing inequality in her native Washington in the 1950s which was known to make listeners spontaneously gouge out their eyes after 10 minutes of Howe-Goldstein’s uninterrupted commentary. From southern California, she maintained elaborate parasocial relationships with such public figures as Dr. Tony Fauci and Claremont McKenna Associate Professor of History Lisa Cody, whom she both baselessly dubbed “queer icons.”
Throughout much of her young adult life, she struggled with spurious allegations that she was secretly nonbinary on account of her ugly buzz cut, large earrings, colorful glasses, and strong white Aquarius energy. Howe-Goldstein publicly refuted the claims in a 20-minute, profanity-laden tirade delivered astride one of the seal fountains in Seal Court, in which she decried the “racial profiling” which led strangers to “they-them” her and baristas to assume she wanted oat milk in her tea lattes. She informed the crowd that, if after death evidence is uncovered that she might have ever used they/them pronouns, they should assume it was planted evidence in a political assassination.
Campus Safety announced in a press conference this morning that (having completed a perfunctory investigation entirely by golf cart) they were investigating Howe-Goldstein’s death as a possible homicide. When asked if they had any suspects, a spokesperson for the department responded that, while many groups and community members had looked on her work with faint bemusement or annoyance — including, but not limited to, 5C InterVarsity, first love, Claremont Christian Fellowship, the Catholics, improv performers, actors, STEM majors, stoners, teetotallers, vegans, student athletes, Motley management, men, her friends’ boyfriends, and her ex-roommates — only Claremont’s approximately 4,832 shitty a cappella groups had sufficient motive to put out a hit on Howe-Goldstein, their most vocal critic.
Unfortunately, whether or not Campus Safety possesses the menacing police state power which student activists frequently claim it does, the assassination is likely to go unsolved. Howe-Goldstein’s murderer — who is believed to have distracted her with an ill-conceived performance of Sammy Rae and the Friends’ 2018 single “Kick It to Me” without any sort of musical accompaniment, leaving her vulnerable to electric scooter-based assault as she typed up an infuriated commentary for her Instagram story — seems poised to escape unpunished.
“I’m going to miss them,” said local commentator @tipsyscrippsie (’48) when reached for comment. “When the wind changes direction, I can almost hear them complaining about the SAS bylaws.”
“Good fucking riddance,” said Mood Swing singer Riya Hariharan ’25 as she drove unspecified scooter parts to an electronic waste disposal facility in San Bernadino County. “Another oppressor in the mud. Whoever ran them over — which I absolutely condemn, by the way — deserves the Amy Marcus-Newhall Medal of Honor for standing up to the daily discrimination faced by a cappella singers.”
In a statement released by her family, they announced her funeral would take place on Friday, April 27 at St. Ambrose Episcopal Church, and would be themed around two of her favorite local institutions, Deloitte and 5C Prison Abolition. She will be buried with a collection of weapons, jewelry, history books, and 3D printers meant to convey to future archeologists that she was a revered feudal warlord who presided over a period of peace and technological innovation in the conflict-riddled foothills of Avii Kwatiinyam.
Instead of readings from the Bible (boring; done before) there will be several slam poetry excerpts from the much-defamed philosopher Olufemi Taiwo’s book Elite Capture. Her coffin will be borne by a contingent of Motley barista pallbearers — so as they lower her into the grave, the coffeeshop can let her down one last time. After the funeral, her body will be placed inside her 2022 Honda CR-V hybrid (aka “The Beast”) and driven to Alumni Field, where it will be blown up with several pounds of C4.
In lieu of flowers, her family requests that donations be made to Pete Buttigieg’s 2024, 2028, 2032, 2036, and 2040 presidential campaigns.
Image Source: Isabel Suh ’24