Phoebe Schwab ’29 and Belén Yudess CGU ’27
Copy Editor and Copy Editor Emeritus
Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19)
What on Earth am I looking at?! Hold on, truly, I need a minute to understand this dishevelment. Screaming, laughing, sobbing — all at once? I would say take a chill pill, but I think a horse tranquilizer is what’s needed. The tornado will stop soon, and I see clear skies ahead.
Taurus (Apr. 20 – May 20)
That test is scary. I’m right there with you. But no matter how much you study, you’re never going to feel that it’s enough. Locking yourself up in the Nucleus is only going to destroy your will to live. Please, for the love of those around you, take a break. You’re gonna ace it.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
I’m feeling sinister energy emanating from your side of campus. Maybe it’s just my usual level of distrust, or my excitement for Halloween, but something doesn’t seem right. You can combat this by being kind (to me, and me only). Resume with your life…I’ve got my eye on you.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Yawn. Come on, give me some excitement! Wake up, go to the Motley, cry over work, watch TV, and go to bed? I’m sick of it! Experiment with novelty these next few weeks—it can be as small as taking a new route to class. There’s no telling what could happen next. Buzzcut?
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)
Aren’t you just the star of the show?! Look at you, strutting around campus, balancing social and academic life, graceful as ever! Be sure to keep the pressure off your mind. It’s easiest to trip when you’re already up high on the pedestal, but that doesn’t mean you will.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
Don’t know what to do for fall break? Well, don’t let that indecision *break* your spirit or your stride. Maybe make the traditional pilgrimage to Joshua Tree with the suitemates? Or a road trip up to the Bay for $10 coffee and sourdough bread? And of course, nothing wrong with a relaxing weekend at the Tiernan Pool. Whatever you decide, make sure to get some R&R, Virgo, you’ve earned it!
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
Whattdaya know, it’s the first birthday sign of the 2026-2027 Scripps Voice Horoscopes! Oh dear Libra, happiest of happy birthdays to you. So many trips around the Sun, you’re basically a pro! Whip out the cheap birthday cake and streamers: I’m ready to watch you party and crush this year.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
I beg thee, stop performing! This is your personality, not a 1920s circus! Strip off those cheaply painted-on layers and show Scripps who you really are. I know it’s beyond scary, but it’s the only way to be happy here. Besides, if you run the circus, you might as well be the clown.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
Ryan Murphy is rebooting Glee, which means, dearest Sagittarius, that it’s time for you to take a major – possibly emotionally tumultuous – risk this season. Such ventures may range from braving Collins for dinner to FINALLY defining the situationship. Whatever it may be, take comfort in the fact that Sue Sylvester would definitely do something much more deliciously chaotic.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
Have you ever thought about stamp collecting? Well, Capricorn, ‘tis the time to take that random thought that tumbles around in your head and just roll with it. Mulling over adding a minor? Do it! Itching to adopt a rat dog? I think a Scripps baby tee would fit it just swimmingly! Like the late, great Tim Curry once bemused, “Don’t dream it, be it.”
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
Heat wave? More like, Heated Rivalry! Darling Aquarius, as you brave this dreaded weather, maybe consider rewatching (because we all know you’ve seen it at least five times) Heated Rivalry inside an air-conditioned rec room instead of actually going outside. Like babygirl Ilya Rozanav once said, “such a good trick”… to beat the heat, obviously.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20)
Please don’t hire an Etsy witch. Whatever mystery you’re trying to solve in your life, it’s truly not worth the $20 (excluding tax). Stick with the good ol’ horoscopes and trust me when I tell you that all will work itself out. Yeah, it’s trite, but it’s trite for a good reason. Patience, babe.
